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The Baffled Biologist

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New salmon aquaculture-bashing film looks like it’s gonna be a humdinger of a crockumentary

There are a lot of films we would like to see made.

Like “Guardians of the Galaxy 2”, or “Ernest Goes to Hell” (RIP Jim Varney).

Don't know about you, but, we'd watch the HELL outta this, hur hur hur!
Don’t know about you, but, we’d watch the HELL outta this, hur hur hur!


On a more serious, latte-sipping intelligentsia-wanna-be note, there are a lot of documentaries we would like to see made.

Like a documentary about where the hell ISIS came from, or about the Vancouver Island Marmot.

Instead we got this.

Another fawning stroke for Alexandra Morton's already planetoid-sized ego.
Another fawning strokey-strokey for Alexandra Morton’s already planetoid-sized ego.

Yes , nobody asked for this but apparently Scott Renyard decided to assist our favourite activist in reliving the glory days, when she sort-of walked down Vancouver Island to hang around on the Leg lawn and wave signs and shout at The Man with a bunch of her friends one afternoon.

The role salmon farmers play in "The Pristine Coast" because the filmmaker apparently can't handle the thought of allowing different viewpoints.
The role salmon farmers play in “The Pristine Coast” because the filmmaker apparently can’t handle the thought of allowing different viewpoints.

Not surprisingly, the list of co-stars is all the usual suspects, who have made nice careers out of opposing salmon farming. No salmon farmers were invited to participate.

What do these usual suspects actually do to help wild salmon? Not much other than talk.

So expect this movie to be a bunch of talking heads, Morton walking along riverbanks while soothing music plays in the background, closeups of dead fish while alarming music plays in the background and nonsensical conspiracy theories, fading to black only after a helicopter long shot of our “Pristine Coast” masterfully timed to avoid any scenes of deforestation, log dumps, cargo barges full of cheap Chinese crap heading north to the Anchorage WalMart and giant barges of gravel and coal heading back to China.

It’s not ever going to be a “famous documentary” but it would certainly fit on this list of “Famous Documentaries That Were Shockingly Full Of Crap.”

This crockumentary will never make out it out of small-time film festival purgatory, but if you do get a chance to watch it, leave a comment here and let us know what you think.

Custom keyboards for anti-salmon aquaculture activists, coming soon!

We are going to be setting up an Etsy shop soon to sell these custom, hand-made keyboards that will make life a little bit easier for all those anti-aquaculture keyboard warriors out there.

Here’s a preview:


As you can see, all the most common arguments against salmon farming are programmed directly into the keyboard, in easy-to-press buttons! Mix up the arguments in different combinations to make them sound new and meaningful! Make sure to hit the “Norwegian” button at random for good measure, because every scary story needs a bogeyman! Look how well it worked in Wag the Dog. Swap Albania for Norway, farmed salmon for suitcase bomb and voila!

Keep checking the blog, we’ll post when these unique, hand-crafted custom keyboards will be available.



Science? I don’t need no stinking science!

This was too precious not to share. Our friend over at Salmon Confidential Exposed brought it to our attention.


Hopefully this person doesn’t make all her life decisions based on what she “just knows.”

Because even though you “just know” the universe wants you to have that parking spot, when magical thinking hits reality, reality wins.

The Cohen report, in pictures

Rather than post a long, boring article about what the Cohen report really says versus what people are claiming it says, we decided our readers are smart enough to read it for themselves.

Instead, we have decided to provide a summation in annoying animated gifs.

Bon appetit.

Oct. 31, 2012: Justice Cohen releases his 1,200 page report and sums it up in a press conference

Salmon farmers react

Anti-salmon farming activists react

Media reacts

Anti-salmon farming activists ignore 85 per cent of the report and run to the media to harp on salmon farms

Salmon farmers take a beating in the media

DFO reacts

The public reacts

More media reports

Salmon farmers react again

The public reacts again

Activists react again